How to Talk to Authority

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2. Realize that the person in authority was in your position once. All modern-day authority figures were kids, underlings and gofers at one time, and all of them have been talked to by someone they saw as a superior or authority figure. They too have suffered the awkward conversation, and they know how you feel when talking to authority. Most will go easy on you because of this. Remember, they want to either ask you a simple question or give you some helpful advice––they don't necessarily want to scare you.
3. • figures do use scare tactics as a means of seeking to control others. The operative word here is "seeking"; they can only control you or frighten you if you let them. There is no need to be rude or abrasive in response but neither do you need to act like nervous Nelly. Remain calm and assertive in the face of people who try to scare you.
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   Put a hold on defensiveness. It can be easy to get defensive and to try to pass the blame or reject responsibility. Yet, defensiveness takes a lot of energy and can block you from hearing the real message. It can also make you seem guilty, even where you aren't. And ultimately, being defensive is akin to being defiant, which is circular and gets you nowhere. Be open to what is being said; you'll learn more and you'll realize that taking it personally is pointless. Rather, take it as constructive advice or a timely warning that is worth heeding. Stay calm and focus on doing or deciding better next time.
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    Answer questions at appropriate times.
   Answer questions at appropriate times. Don't interrupt the other person with your answer before they've finished asking the question. If you do so, you will seem either suspicious or rudely overconfident about yourself. If they ask you a question that asks for information, like "Why did you take over the meeting from Shane when we didn't plan for that?", then look down a little for a moment, then answer politely and succinctly. Most people look down when they're thinking and this buys you time. If they ask you a question that requires you to look into past memories, look up for a moment and answer. This is where most of us look when remembering something.
   • Make sure you don't answer rhetorical questions (often posed by those in positions of power, for effect or as a way to think through their own thoughts), and yet be sure that you answer real questions. For instance:
     • If the authority figure asks something like "What were you thinking", don't answer. Simply look at them for a moment, showing in your expression that you know you did something wrong or lapsed in judgment.
     • If they ask you a question like "What do you think you did wrong?", then do answer. All they want to know most of the time is that you know what you did and understand the consequences.
   • Sometimes the authority can be rather harsh in asking these questions, causing you not to want to answer, out of fear or anxiety. Make sure you catch yourself at these questions, and answer them. But don't mistake questions that you should answer for rhetorical questions.
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   Don't take a step back. Oftentimes when people talk to authority, and they ask a question, the person will take an automatic step back. This is instinctual for humans, because when we're about to be attacked, we'll automatically go back a step to try to avoid the inevitable blow. Instead of allowing your amygdala to hijack your thinking reactions, make sure you stand your ground with the authority figure. Moving back symbolizes fear and a lack of confidence, as well as a willingness to be subordinate without standing up for yourself assertively. They will digest your determination to stand your ground subconsciously, and if you do step back, they'll assume you don't have the guts to speak to them or that you're cowering with guilt or inability to accept responsibility.
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   Control your nervousness. For some people, the mere sight of a uniform or the official title on a person's badge or door is enough to make them quake at the knees. Whether it's previous experiences with people in authority triggering the response, too many movies featuring cops, interviewers or high school principals, or just an overworked sense of guilt or paranoia about everything, controlling your nervousness is paramount. Try to focus on breathing deeply, drawing slow and gentle breaths direct from your diaphragm. This will reduce your edginess and give you time to focus, as well as relaxing you. Take everything slowly, even if the authority figure appears to want immediacy in responsiveness.
   • For more ideas, read How to deal with being nervous and How to avoid looking nervous.